Ep #108: A Phrase to Eliminate Immediately

 In Podcast

Today I’m sharing an important observation I’ve made from numerous clients over the years. It’s a phrase that we most likely all use. It’s insidious, and it’s ineffective. And the chances are extremely good that eliminating it from your vocabulary will have a positive impact on your team and your ability to get the results you want.

What you’ll find in this episode:

  1. What the insidious phrase is.
  2. Why this phrase puts your employees in the position of being responsible for YOUR emotional health.
  3. How this phrase reminds you and your employees that they’re in charge.
  4. A suggestion for a more productive phrase to use instead.

Featured on the Show and Other Notes:

  • The next How to CEO program starts in April. People on the interest list find out about things sooner than people who aren’t. Go to HowtoCEOregister.com to get on the list.
  • I’m going to be launching Advanced Leadership Coach Certification for Life Coach School certified coaches. We’ll be teaching how to blend leadership concepts with Life Coaching concepts. Get more information on the link in my Instagram bio.
  • Come connect with me on Instagram here or on Facebook here.
  • Let me know what questions you have or what you think at hello@krisplachy.com
  • I’d be honored, if you find this podcast of value, if you would write a review. Then DM me on Instagram or Facebook or email me at hello@krisplachy.com and let me know it was you. Then we’ll send you my favorite books list!

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Podcast Transcript

Hey, I’m  Kris Plachy, host of the Lead Your Team podcast. Running a million dollar business is not easy. And whether you’re just getting started with building your team, or you’ve been at this for a while, I’m going to bring you honest, specific, and clear practices you can use right now today to improve how well you lead your team. Let’s go ahead and get started.

Well hello. How are you? Welcome welcome. I have a couple of things that I’ve wanted to talk to you about. These are sort of observations I’ve made of myself and my clients. So I thought these would be helpful to share with you. So I’m going to do this over the next couple of weeks. I’m just going to share some general client observations, things that we do that we don’t even know that we do that as a coach, I can see you doing, and I can see how the behaviors that we’re doing them, the way that we’re doing them is affecting probably just your impact and your ability to get the results that you want. And it’s not that what I’m going to share with you is necessarily bad that we have a tendency to do. It’s just, it gets in the way, and I just want you to be aware.

So the first one I want to talk about is something that I think is really, really insidious that we don’t even know that we’re doing. And again, it’s not terrible. It’s just not effective. So this is a phrase that I would recommend if you could pay attention that you drop from your vocabulary, I think with anyone, but I am specifically talking about with your team, but I do think it kind of applies everywhere. And the phrase is “I need.” I need you to put this out on Instagram today. Hey, I need this to be repaired. Hey, I need the website to be updated. Hey, I need the garbage taken out. I need you to take out the garbage. I need you to make the bed. I need you to call so-and-so. Now again, like I said, it’s pretty insidious, right? I think you’ll notice that you might say it a lot. I think I have caught myself doing that, but here’s where I think when I hear it, here’s what I hear.

And you know that part of the premise of my work with so many of my clients is that we don’t want to put our employees in the position of being responsible for our emotional health. I hear clients say a lot that they say to their employees, “You guys have to understand I’m so stressed out. That really stresses me out. That’s really hard on me.” We create these dynamics where we’re positioning the employee as being responsible for how we feel and that doesn’t foster a healthy, entrepreneurial, mature relationship with your team. You are responsible for your emotions. You are responsible for how you feel. Other people are not responsible for how you feel, ever. Now, that doesn’t mean that there aren’t people that we eventually think I don’t think I want to hang out with them because you’ve done your work. And you’re like, yeah, no, this isn’t my person. That’s okay.

But we have to be very sensitive to and aware of, especially as leaders, if we blame people for how we feel, because it makes them have to change who they are in a way that is so un-useful, and it creates a dynamic between you guys that’s not healthy. And I really want you to think about people in your life that you feel responsible for their emotions, and on the extreme side of that, where is that really unhealthy for you? We all know this person. So I’m taking you to the fringe side of that. That’s not you, I’m sure, but it’s still true when we say, “I need you guys to stop doing that. It’s just so stressful for me. I need you guys to listen to me.” I need you guys to… this tone – this thing – like “you guys.” You know what I’m saying. I know you know what I’m saying. Just admit it. Safer there, right? Even if you don’t say it out loud.

So the second reason why I know this is not effective is once your business is a certain size, it isn’t about you. It’s about the business. So when you say “I need,” I need the social media posts to go out. I need the copy to be written. I need the products to be organized. I need the closet to be cleaned out. It’s still reminding you and everyone else that it’s your business. They’re not a part of it. They help you. And remember what we’re trying to go from is me to we. So “we need” is even a better step than I. It’s not about pleasing you, even though I know in your brain, it really is. I get that. I want you to hear me and believe me when I say, you need to respect me too, maybe we’ll leave that in, but you don’t hire people to help you and make you feel good. You hire people to achieve a result and drive the success of the business. They’re responsible for their emotions, I’m responsible for mine.

You know why I also don’t want employees to be responsible for my emotions? Because I don’t want to be responsible for theirs. And in women-led businesses, this is a trap. Now, not for every woman. So please, if that’s not you, I get you. But listen to me, we got a lot of love-festing happening in women-owned businesses, which I think is great. Listen, I love my team. I’m all in. They can tell me anything, but I’m also pretty confident that they’re not going to knock me off my emotional position because I feel like I can manage that. Now, do I have a moment every now and then where I need to take a breath? Yep. It’s not the best time for a Slack message. That’s not someone else’s responsibility. And that is a game changer in a relationship with a boss. That’s how you become a woman that everybody wants to work for is you don’t hold them accountable for your emotional health. You just hold them accountable for their commitments. And the role that they’re in, that’s easy.

Do not give other people the assignment of being responsible for your emotions, and your “I needing” is just reminding you and them that they’re in charge. “I need you to do this.” No, you don’t need anybody to do anything. And you know what else? They don’t care. You say to your kid, right? “I need you to do this. I need you to do this.” It’s not about what you need. It’s about the fact that you made a commitment to take out the garbage, please take out the garbage. You made a commitment to do these social media posts. Do these posts. You made a commitment to make sure this shipping was done on time, make sure it’s done on time. Not because I need you to do it. There’s a big difference. The cleaner you get with that, the faster you’re going to be able to move through a lot of the potential for people to feel obligated to deliver something because they want to make you happy. So I really, really want to stress that this is a critical thing for you to pay attention too.

So just take some time today and pay attention to yourself. See if you say it, just notice, I need you to, you know what I need, I need this, I need this. And just try either could you, so could you please make sure that the social media posts are done, could you please make sure that the shipping is handled today? Could you please respond to this client request versus I need. Or, where are you with your social media posts? Where are you with responding to that client? Where are you with your shipping? It’s focused on them, not you. It’s subtle. It matters. And then I want you to really, this is so much of what I teach in my program in how to CEO. And this is honestly what we’re doing in the empathic CEO virtual intensive that will have already happened by the time you listen to this. But I know that is the biggest work for all of us is really learning, really getting to knowing, this knowing that other people don’t get to be in control of your emotional health.

It’s one of the biggest barriers to the clients that I’ve met, their ability to grow. Because when you rely on other people to help you manage your emotions, the more people you end up putting in your company, the more overwhelming that becomes. So if it’s you and two people right now, let’s learn this now. Not when you’ve got 10 people, that’s a lot more what I call emotional noise. And there’s a lot more potential for friction and challenge. It’s natural, you get more people in there, you got more of it. So your responsibility as a woman who leads a company who is striving for entrepreneurial maturity and success is to learn how to manage her own emotions so she can be all of that and a bag of chips. So she can get out of her own way. So that her voice, her leadership vision, her presence, her ideas, her creativity, that that is the loudest part of you and not what you demand of others so that you feel good. When that’s the noisiest part of you, we lose you. We lose your gift. And so it’s hard.

I have a lot of clients who come to coaching calls with me and they have tantrums. They’re mad, they’re hurt. They’re angry. They’re frustrated that things, that whatever, employee insert here is not different. That it’s not easier, that it’s too hard and they shut down, because they feel so terrible. And then they’re blaming their external circumstance on that. So when you do that, you feel powerless. So my recommendation always is yeah, of course, of course someone didn’t meet your expectations. Of course, someone didn’t do their job right. Of course, this is hard. And now what? You’re going to quit? I don’t think that’s who you are. Is it? No. Learn. Master yourself. Become the leader of your own mind before you can expect to be the leader of others. Game changer y’all. But it’s an investment and it’s not, I have all these new clients in my how to CEO program. I think we’re in week six or seven now. And whew, right? It’s work. If you want the grand vision, whatever that is, it’s paved with discomfort.

I’m trying to lose some weight right now. Do you know how uncomfortable I am daily? No, I really want the rice. Why can’t I just have the rice? I’m so uncomfortable. And so I’m right here with my clients just in a different part of my life. So I’m willing to be uncomfortable and have a difficult conversation all day. I’m having a really hard time giving up the rice. So I totally respect how challenging this is, but you know what I want, I want a thin healthy body as I get older, what do you want? The reason women come and listen to this podcast is because they want a well-run business that they can take a break from every now and then, and they can make more money and they don’t have to work as hard. Be willing to work for it. And the work isn’t in your hustle, y’all, it’s in your brain. That’s the work. That’s where the maturity is. That’s where the growth is. That’s a big step.

So, no more “I need,” could you? Where are you with? How are you doing on? Whatever the question is, just no more “I need,” and pay attention to where you are believing that your employees are responsible for your emotions, because I can promise you, they aren’t. And if you’re arguing with me as you’re listening to this or watching this, I’m right. I’m right. So I’ll leave you with that.

All right, we are in the process of building the interest list for the next how to CEO program, starts in April. If you are going to do this, let’s do this. Listen, people on the interest list find out about things sooner than people who aren’t. So you might want to be on that interest list. Go to howtoCEOregister.com, get your name on there, and join other gorgeous women just like you, who are also woefully overwhelmed, but you’ll love one another. All of my clients, they just fall in love with each other, which is super fun. Because you guys have this in common. So all right. Have a good afternoon, morning, night, wherever you are. Talk to you soon.

One more thing before you go, in a world of digital courses and online content, I like to work with my clients live, because I know that when you have someone you can work with, ask questions of, and meet with, you’re so much more likely to get the success that you want. So head on over to howtoCEOlive.com to learn more about our very exciting, very exclusive program just for female entrepreneurs. We’ll see you there.

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